Life In A Sinner’s Truth
By R. Cary
‘Sickness to death’, Angela says. Her plague of existence, her constant denial of self and purpose haunts her will. ‘Redemption through pain’, she hears. Her needle is tightening its grip on her soul. ‘Purpose through pain’, whispers in her ear. ‘In your heart of reign and terror, in your self-sabotage ravaging your journey with the heroine of your sins, you have forgotten, before you were born, this is the life you chose’. Angela’s head screams in terror. Her thoughts, this voice has been in her hauntings since she can remember. Her mom used to tell her, ‘when you were a baby, you were always looking through me, as if someone else was there’. ‘Not another thought’, she tells herself. Only the comfort of her veins will speak to her now. She lays back, comfort in each beat is her purpose now. Her soul saturated in Satan’s whims, in her own cemetery of forgotten losses. Her grave furthers, the pressure mounts, her heart ceases to care. Her life begins to leave her, only her needle is there to hold her.
That’s deep enough, the earth will take care of the rest. His skull will dissolve with the consciousness of his act. Stepping forward, he takes one last look, ready to lay this boy, this would be man in his grave, ready to let the dirt of this earth…
I tried to guide her, what did I do wrong? I always let her know I was there. I gave her my heart so she wouldn’t fear. Was I too weak? How could I let hell win? Looking up, the Angel prays, ‘Lord, I have failed!’.
The Sinner II
I told you to stop, I pleaded with you. She won’t wake up; this is all your fault! Let this dirt become your eternal addiction. Let your soul never leave this earth. With just a few shovels, the Sinner buries his sins.
Awaken in her sleep, her eyes open, feeling the peace of her new surroundings. Nothingness, her long sought salvation; her veins easing, her desire withered, she moves, just slightly, raising her arm she can see, she can fear no more. She is no more.
I have heard your call angel. There is no failure, only human choice; but it is my will, to give one more breath. Two save two from eternity in damnation. This will be my will.
Seeking to know more, her heart hoping this is death, she begins to step, but cannot move a heel, only nothingness is here. ‘Dad’, she peeps, but not even her own voice can be heard. Remembering occurs, ‘suicide is eternal’, purgatory no more, this is her damnation. Her fiery hell, to live in her deepest desire, as Lucifer’s pride in another human’s demise.
The Sinner III
Staring at the grave of his pain, the Sinner begins to weep. Slowly his heart is suffering. Looking to above he asks, ‘Lord, oh what have I done!’
Defying her purpose, the effect of God, the angel herself cannot let go. If Angela cannot live, neither will she, giving herself for another to live is the only thing she knows.
‘Angela’, her head sunk into her own shame, accepting her fate as her own construct of hate. ‘It is and always has been your choice’, to live in nevermore, to live in the 3 headed beasts melancholy of eternal being of nothingness. A haunting of your deepest fears or, to, in this moment, find your true self, a warrior of grace, as all human beings are born to be. When the beast arrives, only you can live with your heart as your shield, leaving the beast with 3 heads no more; this is my gift, only faith will bring you back, with ‘just one act’.
The Sinner IV
At his daughter’s bedside, the Sinner confesses; Angela, ‘I am sorry, I need you, please help me’, his shoulders falling to the floor with shame. He turns, the parents of his buried sin grab him, to hold him, to give him care and love. ‘We can’t find our son, but we are here for Angela and you, our two children need us. As they loved each other, we will love each other’. The Sinner cannot express himself once more, only finding himself grieving in his sin. He tries but he cannot, his eternal self-screaming, ‘I buried your son’, but no words, only his tears laying on the shoulder of a family he brought his heart to hate; realizing, ‘I have succumbed to the bearer of human hate, pain, and grief’.
Staring without thought or care, listening as the words are spoken. In her heart life begins to swell, a rush for her veins, a new coursing pulse feeding her to live, willing an unknown strength. She screams for the demon beast to arrive, hidden in plain sight, 3 heads now exposed, without thought or purpose, she rips the beasts’ heads of eternal hell slamming the eternal with the brutality of her force, making sure in this hell, all demons will hear, the mighty Angela, now a human angel of light. Looking down, as she rises to her feet, a withering angel’s life lays beneath, with only a smile, the angel shall love in giving herself so Angela may once again live. Into the bowels of hell, Angela watches as her guardian light is dragged into pieces for Hades to feed.
Awaken, Angela sees her father, broken but loved. The heart of her lover’s parents eases her heart. She slowly speaks, with care and hope. Her eyes now gentle, reaching to her father, touching him without a single word, ‘Dad, it is okay,’ you may still live, tell them their son is dead. They will forgive you. This is your life to learn, if your heart will repent, you can still walk through heaven’s gate.
The Sinner V
The Sinner raises his head, letting the voice guide him but no one is there. His daughter Angela has fled. He looks back at the parents of his sin, with a solemn face he tells his truth. Dropping to his knees, he is only beginning, as in each of us, it starts with a step of faith, an act, a selfless giving. This is his new duty. In human purpose, in his history, the Sinner will repent with his heart to give.
Life In A Sinner’s Truth
By R. Cary